Girl, If You’re Looking for Love: STOP!

The 10 Dating Rules I Followed to Manifest True Love

In this post:

• The lies we’ve been sold

• Before you start dating do this

• My 10 Rules for Dating

• My love story

• List of what to look for in a man and what to avoid

Here’s what I’ve learned about dating and finding love that I wish someone had told me years ago.

Ladies, we’ve been sold a lie. A boldfaced fucking lie, and it’s a big reason why so many of us have been looking for the wrong kind of man. Thanks to fairytales, Disney princess movies, every romantic comedy ever made, and countless other false narratives peddled to us from birth, we’ve been led to believe that love is supposed to be an explosion of romantic feelings. That there should be a “spark” at first interaction. That if he was “the one,” you’d feel love at first sight, or fireworks, or butterflies.

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

Ladies… that is complete BULLSHIT! That’s NOT an indication of compatibility, love, or even real connection. It’s all fake! It’s often very toxic, and it’s just surface-level bullshit meant to attract the same wrong kind of guy that has never worked for us in the past. Worse, it steers us away from the RIGHT man—the one who is our ideal match.

So, why do we keep falling for it?

Why do women keep telling each other that those things need to be present from the get-go? Why do we keep perpetuating this damaging lie? Why do we tell each other that if you don’t wanna rip his clothes off immediately, you must be settling? What the fuck!? Now that I know the truth about healthy love, I know how insane it is to base our decisions on ridiculous and fleeting surface emotions like that.

But I can’t tell you how many times in the past I fell for those deceptive first indicators and then tried to convince myself that because I had butterflies, or felt a rush when I got a text, or “felt a connection,” or had undeniable “chemistry” that someone I knew was clearly wrong for me was somehow “the one.” Smh. He could have every red flag in the book, could exhibit toxic and narcissistic behaviors, could treat me like shit, and still, I’d tell myself, Welp, I wouldn’t feel this way if it wasn’t meant to be. I just wanna go back in time and give poor, misinformed me a hug and say, Oh girl… that’s not it.

Because we are so focused on those first emotional sparks, no one was telling us what we should be looking for instead.

After finally healing from a toxic, all consuming dating disaster two years ago, I decided to figure this whole dating mess out. I set out to learn what we as women should be looking for instead, how to heal from past relationship traumas, and how to break the cycle of manifesting the WRONG man.

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Before You Start Dating Again, Do This Work First

Get ready for love by working on YOU.

Heal yourself first. Do your inner work to know who you are, love yourself, and get clear on what you want in a partner. You must FIRST be the partner you want to attract. In other words, be the love you want to receive. Become the type of person that you’d want to be with and the type that your ideal love would be drawn to.

For example: If you’ve had an insecure attachment style in the past, learn how to develop a secure attachment style. If you’ve been impatient, angry, or pushy, work on changing those things now so they won’t sabotage an opportunity for a great relationship. Would you want to date you? Do the work to get there BEFORE you start dating. Read my post Manifesting the Love You Deserve for more on that.

Listen to my recent podcast Manifesting the Love You Deserve with Nancy Bruce where I talk a lot about this and share more of my love story.

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The Dating Rules I Followed to Manifest My Love

1. If he’s into you, you’ll know.

He’ll put in the time and effort to get to know you, make plans, and show genuine interest in you and what you care about. He’ll consistently show up in all the ways, communication, time together and he’ll be excited to do this. If he’s NOT doing this, he’s NOT into you. Move on!

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2. Wait at least 3 months to be intimate.

Even if you’re exclusive before then, wait. If you’re not exclusive at 3 months, wait until you are exclusive. You both need that time to genuinely get to know each other without sex clouding your judgment or complicating feelings. Research indicates that between 30% and 40% of couples engage in sexual activity within the first month of dating. But findings from the Institute for Family Studies suggest that postponing sexual intimacy allows partners to focus on building emotional intimacy, communication, and trust—crucial components of a lasting relationship. Plus, men develop emotional connections slower than women, and some don’t develop them at all if sex happens too quickly. So, take your time, ladies! It’s worth the wait, believe me.

3. Get into your feminine energy.

If you want a man who treats you like a queen, let him! Give him the time and space to come at it in his own way. Let him show you who he is, that way you can decide if that works for you or not. Forcing him or trying to influence him to do things your way will only show you a mask of the man and not who he really is. If you’re serious about attracting your ideal love, then you don’t want a man you have to train or change. You want to know who the man is to his core, and then decide if he’s the kind of man you want.

Here’s a good post on how to get into your feminine energy with a man. To me feminine energy is “just BE” energy. In other words, I’m not trying too hard, I’m not controlling or pushing anything…I’m letting it all come to ME.

*This IG account really helped me understand from the male perspective all the things I’m saying in this post. He helped me see the truth about why these rules matter and why we should have these standards.

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4. Never be the first to make a move.

If he’s interested, he’ll make the moves. That means if you’re online dating, do NOT start the conversation after you’ve matched (this is why Bumble sucks, in my opinion). Don’t send flowers (on Hinge) or anything that shows you’re the one initiating—that reads as desperate, and it’s not queen energy!

Also, he should be the one texting first, calling, and taking initiative. Again, if he’s into you, he’ll do that, so wait until he does and follow his lead. You are manifesting the right man, not just any man. You want one who sees what a prize you are and wants to get and keep your attention. Let him come to you. You will NEVER need to chase him. Use the motto: I don’t chase, I attract.

5. Let him be the man.

He should make the plans and suggest when the plans take place. I know this is super hard for us Type A, independent women to hear, but it’s the truth. I was always the type to be like, “Well, I’m free Saturday, so let’s do something then,” or whatever. Resist that temptation!

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This is not to silence you or make you submissive. This is you sitting back in your queen energy and giving him the room to show you who he is and what he’s all about, so you can make an informed decision on whether he’s what you’re looking for. This lets you see if he really listens to your interests, is attentive to your needs, is thoughtful, and is willing to invest time, energy, and money into dating you.

And yes, he should be investing all three. If he can’t or doesn’t invest in doing thoughtful things for you now, he won’t when you're married! If he can’t afford to take you out now, how can he afford a partner or wife? Sorry, not sorry.

I spent YEARS splitting checks with dates—expecting nothing from men and getting nothing from them. No effort, no gestures, no real dates… and that did not work. As soon as I changed this and found my feminine energy, I met my healed masculine man who plans the most amazing and thoughtful dates without ever being prompted or asked!

I will say that once we were in a committed relationship, I loved doing the same for him—cooking dinner or surprising him with a fun date he wouldn’t expect. It’s in my nature to be a giver and to reciprocate, but I didn’t do that until we were in a committed relationship.

I wanted to make sure he was thoughtful and enjoyed doing those things on his own without (as so many men nowadays do) demanding reciprocity or expecting things in return. This was part of me breaking the cycle of being the endless giver while not getting anything in return.

6. Stop doing the most!

If you’re the type of woman who, like me, is a nurturer—loves to take care of the people you love, is thoughtful, and likes being there for them—resist the urge! This might be controversial, but hear me out. I’m not asking you to change who you are in the first three months of dating; I’m asking you to reserve that side of you until he’s earned getting to know that side of you.

I was the type who’d bring a home-cooked meal, offer to do acts of service, show up with acts of kindness, and was simply doing the most long before it was earned. It’s okay to be the onion that reveals parts of yourself in layers—not everyone deserves to know all sides of you right away. In other words, if you’d do all those loving and nurturing things for your close friends, family, or children, you should NOT be doing them for someone you just started dating! They are not in that inner circle yet. Make them put in the time, energy and effort, before giving them access to that layer of you.

7. Communication is key.

Know your communication style and learn how to communicate those needs with your potential partner. Ask for what you need, but also be willing to learn what he needs and come to a compromise. Then, see if he’s willing to adapt or make changes based on your expressed needs. And are you doing the same for him?

8. Know your love language.

Know your love language and how to communicate the needs associated with it. Go take the test right now, even if you’ve taken it in the past. We evolve and grow, so what you needed in past relationships might not be what you need now. Then read the book or study up on love languages so you really understand how to communicate what makes you feel loved in a way the other person can understand and learn to give you what you need. Then do the same for him—study his love language. Ask him for examples of how to make him feel loved, seen, and appreciated by using his love language.

9. Take it slow.

I know that when you’re falling in love, you want to get obsessed with the person and spend every waking hour together. Avoid this! It’s a recipe for overlooking red flags and convincing yourself it’s right when it’s really wrong.

When I met my love last May, we decided right away that with our mutual crazy schedules, there was one day a week that we’d always hold for our date nights. If we could get more time beyond that, we’d take it, but at minimum, we’d always have our sacred date nights.

To keep our connection strong between those times, we made a commitment to talk on the phone every night before bed and start each other’s day off with a voice memo text. We have kept this commitment every day, and I have no doubt that it’s because of that consistency and our long evening calls—where we laugh, talk about our days, and discuss everything under the sun—that we have built such an incredible bond.

10. Allow for the slow burn.

Most women put a man into one of two categories after the first date: box one is “there’s a spark,” and box two is “no spark, friend zone.” And this is where we go wrong because the “friend zone” guy could very well be our soulmate, but we dismiss him too early. Give it time for feelings to develop naturally if all the things that matter are in alignment with what you want. If you see him as having the relationship qualities you’re after, continue dating him for several weeks or even three months to nurture a connection organically. Love, healthy attachment, attraction, and chemistry can absolutely build in a slow burn.

Let me be crystal clear… you CAN and deserve to have it have it ALL! I met a man who I have amazing chemistry with, who I’m incredibility attracted to, who makes my heart sing and who’s everything I was looking for. It just took time… it was a healthy falling in love instead of a toxic instant obsession.

If you have a “type” STOP dating your type! Your true love will NOT be your type I can pretty much promise you that. That doesn’t mean you won’t be physically attracted to him, it just means it probably won’t be the instant attraction you’re used to.

❌ What NOT to look for:

• Butterflies

• Instant connection

• Physical attraction

• Fireworks

• Chemistry

• A spark

• Love at first sight

✅ Look for these instead: Here’s some of the questions I wrote before I met my man, to help me recognize him, because I knew he wouldn’t be my old toxic type. I wrote them on Feb 8th 2024 and met him in May of 2024 and honest to god he checks every box below! You can adapt them for what matters to you and ask yourself these questions in the early stages of dating to see if there is alignment and potential for a real, healthy relationship. This is how you can tell if he’s genuinely what you’re looking for.

• Is he attentive?

• Does he show a willingness to adapt to your expressed (you need to verbalize them) needs?

• Does he listen and hear you?

• Do you feel seen and understood by him?

• Is he kind to you, to strangers and in general?

• Is he thoughtful? How does he show this?

• Does he have a good character (however you define that)

• Is he willing to grow with you?

• Does he keep his word?

• Does he make you feel at peace?

• How does he treat his children, are they first in his life? If he’s not prioritizing them, he’ll never prioritize you honey! And if he abandoned them, he’ll do the same to you.

• Is he respectful and willing to hear you, even if you’re upset?

• Is he willing and able to have difficult and or deep conversations?

• Does he take accountability when he’s wrong and apologize? Does he try to make it right?

• How does he talk about his ex? If he’s ruthless and full of blame towards her, he’ll turn on you in a similar fashion if things go wrong.

• Does he make you feel safe, secure, cared for, valued and appreciated?

• Does he make time for you? (In-person, via communication, prioritizing you)

• Is he learning to communicate with you in a way that works for you?

• Does he make plans for/with you?

• Does he show depth and vulnerability? (Not shallow or surface, in other words is he showing you who he really is)

• Does he exhibit emotional intelligence and empathy?

• Is he willing to learn and speak your love language?

• Most importantly: Is he CONSIST!?

I hope these “rules” help you make some adjustments that bring you the love you desire and deserve. I used to think that if he was right for me, it would just “feel right,” but now I know that’s ridiculous. There are specific things that are either present or they’re not. Once you know what you want and what type of person you click with, that will help you navigate dating from a clearer lens.

Remember, you’re not out there trying to make someone fall in love with you—instead you’re open to receiving the RIGHT kind of love that aligns with what you want. YOU are the picker!!! You are taking the time, and sitting back in confident energy to see if he is right for you. Not the other way around. We are not making ourselves fit his wish list! And the only way to find out is to follow some simple rules to ensure you don’t keep repeating old habits or acting on emotion or attraction alone.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing ad nauseam and expecting a magically different outcome. And girl… aren’t you tired of feeling insane when it comes to dating!? Let’s get a new outcome!

Note: If you are SERIOUS about manifesting your soulmate and want my help, I take a limited number or private clients, you can learn more and book a consultation here.

Thoughts? Have some dating rules that have worked for you? I’d love to hear your feedback in the comments below.

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About the Author: Sarah Centrella is a multi #1 best-selling author, master life coach, executive coach, speaker and the Founder of VIVIAMO.

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